Class: Real-World Sophomore (RW-So)
Alma Mater: The University of Illinois
Hails From: Frankfort, IL
Occupation: Something with satellites
Known Aliases: Hearne, Wristbandz
2008: Best Bob Ross doppelganger
2012: Longest time spent tying shoelaces
2013: Most honks from soccer moms in a mile
Have you ever met that one person that made you shudder with a single glance? You probably have the same image in your head that I do: jacket zipped up all the way, when not wearing tights they are wearing a pair of shorts way too small for them.
Meet Kevin Wristbandz Hearne. Born in the country Djibouti in the year of the Dragon, 1992, he experienced humble beginnings as a prodigious child painter.
After washing out of grammar school as a boisterous ten year old, Kevin was wandering through the garden one day when he stumbled upon a vinyl recording of James Blunt's 2003, 'Back to Bedlam.' After listening through it once, Kevin was inspired to make his way to America and immerse himself in the pop culture. When he first made his arrival upon our proud shores, Kevin struggled to find a job, as child painting was frowned upon by the local community of Plymouth, Massachusetts. Coming upon hard times, Kevin was forced to sell his body at the local tavern to the drunkest of women, a harbinger of times to come. Still being 12 years old and homeless, Kevin turned himself in to the local foster care center where he was adopted by a large mormon family from Mokena, Illinois, the Wristbandz family. Shortly after, he was forced to retire from street sex.
The Wristbandz had a lively home, filled with 9 brothers and 7 sisters, which forced Kevin to try to make himself stand out. He tried to go back to child painting, but that only pushed him further into the background. This led to him developing an addiction to hard-boiled eggs. After 5 years and millions of eggs later, Kevin hit rock bottom. At rock bottom, Kevin ate a tainted egg that led to the end of his promising sports career in competitive trampolining, as well as a mutation that led to uncontrolled hair growth. At this point in his life, he was well into puberty and all of those out-of-wack hormones finally bubbled over when he made his way to Venezuela. In Venezuela, the women looked like cattle and the cattle looked like women, but he was on a testosterone-driven mission. Late one night in the favela, Hearne was sipping on some goose whiskey when he laid his eyes upon the most beautiful, supple, frothy, bodacious human he had ever seen...
In Venezuela, they have names for human beings of this nature: they are called Los Gatos and they only make appearances in public during the high tide. Fortunately for Kevin, the tide was high, as was his erection. There are many rumors surrounding what transpired that night. Some say that the Earth's rotation slowed, just to make that night longer. That night Kevin Wristbandz Hearne the Boy became Kevin Wristbandz Hearne the Man.
After making his return voyage to the states filled with a new vigor, Kevin committed to his full time job of being a professional griffin mascot at Lincoln-Way East in Frankfort, Illinois. During this time, Kevin slipped into a depression after being stuck in the griffin costume for over half of a year. This is one of the many reasons he was unable to break five in the mile after what was supposed to be a promising track season. In late May of that year, Kevin decided to light his mascot costume on fire (a risky move as he was inside it) from the interior. And, like a phoenix, Kevin rose from the ashes and broke five on the state track after escaping.
Coming off the high of his state mile, Kevin took his talents to Champaign after being recruited by the triathlon club. Kevin set many records in the biking and running portions of the triathlon. Unfortunately, his records were discredited after continually drowning during the swimming portion. Kevin was eventually let go from the program sending him spiraling into another egg-eating depression.
At this point, his friends and adopted family were trying to help him overcome his egg addiction, but their efforts proved fruitless. It was a return to running that brought him back to sobriety. Kevin joined the running club, where he holds club records for "longest time spent tying his shoelaces" and "most honks from soccer moms in one mile."
Upon graduating from the University of Illinois, Kevin Hearne took up a job as a traffic controller, but after setting an air safety record for most plane-to-plane collisions in one day, Kevin was demoted to airplane cleaner. He now spends his days washing the windows of each Boeing 757 by hand because his bosses refuse to leave any form of technology in his hands.
When not working, Kevin Hearne leads a spartan existence, feasting on dry peanut butter and staring at the blank canvasses that constitute his white walls, thinking of the children he could draw. His trusty 3-wheeler carries him back and forth between Denver and Colorado Springs so he can continue trawling the Denver streets for any spare egg shells.
God Bless Kevin Hearne.